I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
she fell down the flight of stairs and was fine until she saw the two broken beer bottles on the ground by her.
thats a woman
she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Randomize
