Sorry, I don't speak sober.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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