how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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