see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
