my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
