it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
Randomize
