I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
Life is so much better after having sex.
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
Randomize
