I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
Don't tell me wow. Tell me this is normal for college and in no way am I a whore.
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
Randomize
