And now I'm afraid that I'm a pornographic eater.
well i did feel guilty about it. until i saw how hot the guy was the next day. now, nothing but pride.
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize
