I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
Well to be completely honest its more of a 'i wanna do things to you that your parents would not enjoy hearing about' mood
you really need to stop walk of shaming home from theme parties.
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
Randomize
