This ginger kid smells like a queef popsicle
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
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