I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
areolas are like halos for boobs.
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
Dignity is for republicans.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
I'm still hoping for it dude. Random north dakota pussy. If my 16 year old self knew that these were my dreams he would so try to beat me up, and i think he could.
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
Randomize
