you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
he had hair everywhere except his balls
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
Randomize
