My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
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