forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize
