I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
Randomize
