You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
Randomize
