If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
I had to cum in my sink.
Randomize
