My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Randomize
