I didn't shave. On purpose
I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
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