FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
Randomize
