you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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