i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
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