you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
Randomize
