i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
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