Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
I just got three pairs of underwear free and a bathing suit for $20 by modeling them and letting the salesman grope me a bit.
It's great being a young gay man in Chicago!
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
