i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
I was high enough to understand and function with 'flip' while playing brick breaker
Damn. I don't think I could ever be that high.
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
Did I show you my penis last night?
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
Randomize
