If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
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