Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Randomize
