Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
Randomize
