Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
Last time i carry you out of a forest
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
Randomize
