Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
that is very illegal...i love you.
Randomize
