There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
Randomize
