he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
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