nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
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