well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Randomize
