Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Randomize
