well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Randomize