im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
Classy? Dude, she fucked 3 guys as part of a scavenger hunt
And?
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
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