It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
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