Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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