we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
Someone came in the potted fern
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
Randomize
