they need to just BURY HIM!
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
that may or may not have been my penis.
Randomize
