trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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