Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
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