My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Randomize
