I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
so he had an ashton kutcher Kelso haircurt. dude, we're in our mid to late 20s, I don't think we can ridicule guys for having hair anymore.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
I love random hookups in covid sex. Usually girls think me about a one and a half to a two and a half but now that I got this mask on I'm a Solid 6.
Randomize
