Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
It's shark week go big or go home
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
Randomize
