We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
I do have sympathy for you. It's just not going to manifest as a blow job.
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
Randomize
