I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
it's to the point where working 2 jobs this summer will absolutely not cover how much i will spend on alcohol next semester.
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
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