dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
