The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
I'm pretty sure "tag teaming" and "looking for stability" are not synonymous.
Not yet.
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
