That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
Randomize
