just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
Randomize
