I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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