After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
I don't want to talk about it. He was like the Little Engine that couldn't get me off.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
Can you bring me the toilet please
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
Randomize
